Well, it's a rocking and rolling Saturday night at Crazy Medusas. Tonight's topic: BOYS. (Incidentally, if you are married/partnered in some fashion, we want to hear from you, too, as you can give much-needed advice based on your experience.)
Some short info on Medusa: She's recycling a suitor from 4 years ago, and has some misgivings about some recent conversations.
Some short info on Crazy: Crazy continues to entertain the nonsense of FB, who tonight was absolutely maddening on the phone, and Crazy wonders why she is not getting laid if she has to deal with maddening nonsense from fools.
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1 – 200 of 201 Newer› Newest»Medusa is busily composing a comment to expand on my short version of her predicament. I thought I'd leave a comment to get the ball rolling for any of you who may pop in. Oh, and we also wonder whether any dudes ever come by to Crazy Medusa's. If so, the input of dudes may be especially welcome, given tonight's topic.
"Drunken Angel" by Lucinda Williams just came on the shuffle. A. I love this song, B. The shuffle is doing very well this evening, C. I feel that this is an appropriate song for tonight's festivities, though I'm not sure who, exactly, the "drunken angel" might be.
Helllooooo! Medusa here. So, BOYS. Narcissistic String Theory Guy and I had our second second date this week. I have all kinds of scattered thoughts.
1. Hot? Striking resemblance to Denis Leary. Have I mentioned I have a Denis Leary fetish? Not proud. But anyway, to me, yes, hot.
2. Smart? For sure. If you care about things like string theory and DNA. Whatever. =)
3. Married? No. Legally separated for many years. But why not divorced? That's the question, my friends.
4. Crazy about Medusa? Yes, but in a way that totally scared the shit out of him four years ago. Reportedly.
5. Control freak? Yes. Self-aware control freak who nevertheless admires what he sees as my total and complete refusal to be controlled by things like a) laws; b) common sense; and c) least of all, him.
So, yes, I am intrigued and afraid and feel like--for whatever reason, perhaps my own neurosis--I might be being played (again, Sam).
I love "Drunken Angel." I love Lucinda, period. Her new album is so good.
I am too left-brained and strategic (read: boring!) to give good advice. But I can commiserate!
Will check in during breaks from writing (the first of which is over now!). What other music do folks on here listen to when they are contemplating relationship tangles over wine on a Sat. night?
Oh god. "I'm Nuthin'" by Ethan Hawke just came on the Shuffle. Dudes! I didn't even know I had the Reality Bites soundtrack on my iPod. (That was Medusa. The 14-year-old version.)
Dude! Ethan Hawke in Reality Bites is probably the reason I dated so many losers from 22 to... well, probably the present. Love the slacker who can define irony. Love. Him.
As for FB, it's a boring tale, so I won't go on and on. He's darling, although an asshole (because he thinks it's charming), and no visit is yet planned, in spite of the Come to Jesus I had with him last week. WHATEVER.
By the way, that last one was me - forgot to change my name :)
Crazy
Hey, where were all y'all when I was bored and sick last night? Oh, yeah, but I'm bored and sick again tonight. However I'm also head over heels in love in a totally boring way so I'm not sure I've much of value to say about dudes ... although I have been contacted recently by Big aka Airport Yoga aka Sperm Donor Daddy.
So, what are we drinking tonight?
Oh, and I'm listening to Abbey Road. Because it popped up and, well, I had no real reason to object. Reminds me of senior year of high school.
Don't take this the wrong way, but for a moment, perhaps you boring, in love, practical people might imagine that you are instead either Crazy or Medusa. Imagine, for a moment, that you have SERIOUS problems with commitment, and, indeed, that you're not altogether sure that such a thing as "love" exists. What would you do about the problems that we outline?
(I know, I know, we're both idiots.
What are we drinking?
I am drinking a pathetic Shiraz-Cab blend. Oh yes, I'm very, very sophisticated.
Medusa is drinking a merlot from Argentina - a 2003. It's very tasty.
(Obviously Medusa is more sophisticated than Crazy is.)
I think I must pour a glass of red (which my humungoid sinus problems TOTALLY need) and then I will offer 0.02 ... or 0.005 ... or something. Will contemplate while pouring.
P-G - In fact, I believe that the wine may in fact kill whatever germs are lurking in your sinuses. It worked for me in grad school!
Obviously Medusa is crazier than Crazy is, because let's dissect the dilemma described above. First of all, I wonder--in numbered form--if I am really into him and about the potential dangers of being into him. THEN I decide that none of this of important, because obviously he is just playing games with me. Oh god. I must really like him.
Hi Mano and profgrrrrl. Happy writing, Mano. Profgrrrrl, have you not done the homeopathic remedy I suggested years ago for the sinuses? I averted surgery, dude, SURGERY. Kali Bi-Chromicum. It works.
Oh, that was me, Medusa, just then.
Electric Barbarella by Duran Duran on the pod! Everyone dance!
Re: the medusadude -- I think it's all right there in his chronically separated status. He puts himself in limbo so he can float it either way. There's "I'm a free agent, not with the ex any more, I'm all yours" but at the same time "Ultimately we can't go the distance here until I clear up this big relationship I had in the past." Being legally separated is the safety net of his independence.
I think there's a lot one goes through with when the divorce actually happens, even if it's been in the works or the separation was a while back.
I'm not trusting your heart to this dude, medusa, but by all means have fun with him.
There was no red. I stopped drinking because of training. But there was a warm white. I am drinking pinot grigio with 3 ice cubes, thereby securing the "classiest drink" award in this chat, I do believe.
And my sinuses have not been chronic of late ... this is an unusual flareup. I believe it was brought on by extreme exhaustion.
Why am I not writing a crappy chapter proposal right now?
Whew! Just made the pop-up box. Life is so much easier now.
Anyway, here's the thing, P-G. If past experience is a predictor of future behavior (as Dr. Phil would say), Medusa will have fun with him, as she did the first time around. I see what you're saying about the legal separation being a safety net (and I actually agree), but I think that Medusa's suspicions about him actually don't necessarily ground themselves in the married thing (as they would if it were me). I think it's more *him* that freaks her out - not his status.
In other news, "Fuck and Run" just came on the shuffle. It's as if the shuffle is connected to my brain.
Medusa may be silent for a bit - she's making a photo collage of McSteamy for all the McSteamy lovers out there :)
OOH! And now "Huffer" by the Breeders! Right on!
You are not writing a crappy chapter proposal because you're at the Lounge, dude! And because it's Saturday night! Do not beat yourself up for not working at 10:23 on a Saturday night! (I say this as much to you as to myself.)
And yes, P-G, you may be drinking the classiest drink. Nothing like some wine with ice (as a former colleague of mine *preferred* her wine - indeed, she'd ask for it to be brought to her with a glass of ice when we would be out someplace. If she wasn't drinking well bourbon and diet coke, that is. As you might imagine, she's my hero.)
Sweet raspberry wine, purchased at the local farmer's market, accompanies my writing and drop-ins here. Yummy.
Medusa, do you think that the strong feelings between you two are more about who you are now, and what is possible now, or do you think a big part of it is nostalgia? There was a dude I was in love with many years ago with whom I again struck up some kind of fake boyfriend thing almost ten years later...and it was not wise to put my heart there. I think I might have been more willing to because of the "we have such a long history!" issue (and he was also my first time, hence those emotional neuroses)...whereas if I'd just met him off the street, then no, wouldn't have ever let it go there.
Fuck and Run is awesome. I've switched over the Chet Baker, but is too mellow. Fuck and Run is on the mix CD that 402 made for me that I listened to every night in Thailand as I walked in the dark down to the cinema mall to secure my dinner.
So what about him specifically is so freaky? The combination of hot and aloof and not controlled and wanting to control but liking that he can't really control her?
But an important question. Medusa, what do you want to get out of this dude/situation? What would be your ideal?
Man, my life is and has been so damn boring in comparison to y'all. The most exciting thing that ever happened was my ex-husband shacking up with a 19 year old former student.
A thing to know about Crazy's Heart: Remember that song by Quarterflash? "Harden My Heart"? Yeah, well, let's just say that Crazy's heart, even when she feels the "love" in some fashion, is not easily taken. Call it commitmentphobia, call it experience, call it what you will, but (to mix song references), like the Bright Eyes Song, "Lua," "Well me I'm not a gamble/ You can count on me to split." As Medusa can corroborate, I'm a huge fan of breaking up with people who are not, really, my boyfriends. For good or for ill, the guard is up.
Okay, now that I am done with the collage for our McSteamy fan contingent . . .
Profgrrrrl--I have long suspected that the refusal to divorce has some deeper significance than he will admit, probably even to himself. Worrisome.
Mano--I don't think it's about nostalgia, as we didn't have a very long relationship and do not really have a history in any meaningful way. I think we have always, then and now, had an intense attraction and almost immediate attachment upon meeting (and meeting again)--attachment in terms of wanting to see each other and talk to each other all the time. That is rare for me. There's just this pull, and I don't know why my tendency is to see that pull as unhealthy.
P-G - that's not exciting; that's gross :) Thank god you divorced him!
Crazy, the hardened heart thing is interesting to me ... in a way 402 and I were discussing it last night. More specifically we were discussing vulnerability and how the degree to which one takes risks and allows oneself to be vulnerable in a relationship directly relates (in our experience) to just how far a relationship can go. My marriage was probably 75% there on my side, but there were ways in which I never trusted him enough (well, not initially, but as we got more entrenched and it all started to hang out) to be fully vulnerable. He was less vulnerable to me than that. In subsequent relationships I noticed that I was always measuring myself against the guy -- if they wouldn't open their hearts more, I wouldn't open mine more. With a few of them at some point it became like a sociological experiment for me -- I was having fun with them, no harm done, but couldn't invest more because I knew the dude(s) wouldn't reciprocate. It always seemed to confuse the hell out of these dudes and in the end of the relationships they would often make some comment about how I wasn't really into it. Gah.
Crap. Just spilled wine. More later.
I guess a question to ask is if you can see a relationship with him satisfying what you feel you need (and deserve) from a relationship. Explosive chemistry and deep attraction, a desire to talk to him and no one else in the room, etc. also accompany my weird stuff with the ex I mentioned (I'll call him J.), but I could never be with him. I guess that is what I am asking...you can be (sadly!) really hot for someone, in a lot of ways, and they'd never make you happy long-term.
Of course if long-term isn't the issue, then it's not an issue. :)
It's weird that it's so much later for you folks than it is for me--night's still young here. :)
Song that just came on the shuffle:
"Red Wine: Success!" by the Cold War Kids. It is kismet, I tell you! The iPod is on board with this impromptu night of drinking!
PG's comment about vulnerability is such a good one. Resonates so much with me! I was the giver in a lot of relationships and he wasn't willing to be as vulnerable, eventually I put my guard up and was the one who was less vulnerable...and I think eventually (probably with the last Matthew) found a balance.
Man, isn't it hard though to even *read* how "vulnerable" a guy is willing to be when he's all witty and coy about it? Those types make me shut down, but I know they remain sexy to a great many of us because they just seem so smart and savvy.
Listening to Imogen Heap now.
Crazy, it is gross, and made it all necessary. But that in a way ties to medusa's dude. I had to file for divorce. And then I had to wait while he dragged his ass on the paperwork. I wanted my closure about 2 years before I actually got it. I felt it was his responsibility to file and he didn't. I could have kept in the limbo waiting for him, could have still been waiting for him to file now. And I'm so glad I didn't because I don't think 402 would have been cool with that. As for ex, I think he didn't want to sever ties with me. He wanted to think he could have it all, or at least not have to decide. So I'm suspicious of this dude.
P-G,
Well, the issue isn't so much that I measure myself against them (I don't think - Medusa, feel free to contradict), but rather that I put myself out there, and then I reach a breaking point. It's not ultimately *about* the dude.... It's about how far I'm willing to go, if that makes sense. The breakups with the not-boyfriends generally have to do with the fact that I decide (for whatever reason) that I'm no longer in it. And once that's decided, there's nothing that the other person could or couldn't do.... I'm not there with FB just yet, but, as Medusa and I discussed earlier, I'm hearing the telltale audio of lockdown. I've yet to hear the alarm bell, but unless something happens soon, I suspect it's in the offing. (Med - we really need to find a youtube thing so that this makes sense to people other than us.)
I guess I'm still seeing some element of the dude in all of this ... that you'll put yourself out there but when you reach a point and it hasn't progressed or the dude hasn't shown his peacock feathers enough or whatever, you're done. And there's no going back on that, even if then the dude says "oh no, I fucked up, I'll do what I have to do now"?
Is that it? Or do you have this reaction even if the dude is furthering things along at a good pace (which it has sounded like FB might not be doing)?
Hey there. Just joining in (and not drinking yet, but will poor myself a scotch in a minute, I believe).
I love those witty/coy guys, and yet I never date them. Go figure. I had a long-standing flirtation with one such fellow--he was way hot, too (probably still is; I haven't seen him for a few years)--but when I finally got myself single and gave him the big go-ahead he pretty much dropped the ball. I still wish we could've had some fun there.
Anyway I'm not sure what kind of advice I can offer, especially since I'm new in here and don't know the scoop (or much of it), but I'm sick of working on my article and the Lonely Saturday Nights in Field Town are pretty old. So a virtual party sounds like a good deal. (Cranberries on the ipod shuffle, btw.)
"No I don't believe in the wasting of time
But I don't believe that I'm wasting mine"
Ah, love the Fiona Apple. Love the lovely "Better than Fine" song.
No idea what Medusa's doing. She's been awfully quiet....
Ayyyyyy! Ex shacking up with 19-year-old ex-student! Ayyyyyyyyyy!
WTF?
What's freaking me out most about NSTG is that I like him so so so much (and always have). He's amazing and amazingly perfect (for me)in many ways. But there are also issues: technically married, kids, a whole life very different from my life (in the 'burbs, with the kids), jealousy over the "male presence" around me, yadda yadda, blah blah blah.
Ewwww. . ."Idiot Wind" by Bobby Zimmerman on the 'pod. "Blowing every time you move your jaw . . .idddddiooot wind. . it's a wonder you still know how to breathe. . . I've been double-crossed too much. . . .you can have the best there is, but it's gonna cost you all you love." That Dylan.
Hey, Heu Mihi! Will get back to you in a moment.
P-G, I'm irritated with FB, which he knows, but honestly, I don't think that *he* is the real issue here. I think that whatever lockdown noises I'm hearing are very much generated from the idea in my head that I have about what I want to happen, what should happen, whatever. Yes, what he's doing is involved, BUT, there's no mistake that my fed-upped-ness comes at the point when I'm finishing with the book, when my plate is clearing work-wise. That, indeed, has nothing to do with him. And it's not like I'd alerted him to the fact that I'd wig at the moment that this stuff happened. So in that way, it's not about him. It's about "that thing I do" (to quote Medusa). The thing that (potentially) gives FB staying power is that he seems to be able to handle "that thing I do." However much of a bitch I am, he doesn't go away. And so as much as I'm currently frustrated by some things, I'm not altogether certain that I'll be able to give him the heave ho with the ease that I tend to do such things generally.
That's the thing--if you're just looking for fun, those witty/coy guys can be so yummy. But a guy who isn't going to be forthright about his level of emotional vulnerability/expectations isn't the kind of guy you want a relationship with.
My fave witty/coy guy so damn smart. Such a radical, so passionate, so well-read, and so hot. He was attached (we had a fling anyway back in '01...not something I'm proud of). But like I said, not someone to have a relationship with or give one's heart to! (I believe they stayed together, married, and then a few years later she divorced him...smart girl.)
UGH! forgot to note who I was above - that was Crazy :)
Medusa--I assume you know him well enough by now that it's not more the idea of him than *him*, right? 'Cause the reality sounds a little messed up. Jealousy over the male presence around you? That is not a good scene right there.
And hi!
Yes. Well, not fully shacking up, but close enough ... love of my life ... very mature for her age ... blah blah blah. So yeah, I had to get gone from all of that. And I found it really really hard to trust anyone at all after that. I'm so not the jealous type, but anyone who said he would call and then didn't or who acted mysterious about his whereabouts was someone I was just done with.
I'm interested in this larger issue raised in one of the first comments: does such a thing as "love" (in this romantic sense, boy meets girl (or boy ... but do we need to go through every permutation possible here?), happily ever after) actually exist?
Crazy, maybe a too-simple question: what is it that you want with FB? What do you want him to be/do for you? What would it take for you to not give him the heave ho?
I think that whatever lockdown noises I'm hearing are very much generated from the idea in my head that I have about what I want to happen, what should happen, whatever. Yes, what he's doing is involved, BUT, there's no mistake that my fed-upped-ness comes at the point when I'm finishing with the book, when my plate is clearing work-wise.
But, see, to me that precisely isn't just about you. It's about whether or not (a) it's a you and a him orbiting separately and managing to coincide at times or (b) it's an us that's forming, in which you react to each other's needs in a manner beyond just sticking around. It's a question of are we, collectively, going anywhere.
Or, at least that's how I've felt about similarish situations in the past. YMMV, obviously.
Thoughts?
A total aside: Aren't my new boots which cost more than I should have paid and will arrive on Tuesday totally awesome and sexy? I need help justifying this purchase.
Ok. Went off to into the Bobby Zimmerman place. Now Prince is on the 'pod, and I feel like I might be able to concentrate a bit better (though Prince does tend to make me want to make out or dance wildly).
I could see myself in a long-term relationship with NSTG, more so than with many men I date--strikingly more so. (Oh shit, Prince is doing that awesomely hot screaming thing.) Anyway, so it is really the fact that I am wildly attracted to him physically and he's not 10 years younger or a bassist or totally emotionally unavailable with totally incompatible interests, i.e. my usual sexual attraction m.o. We have things to talk about and laugh about, real things. And I can't keep my hands off of him. Dangerous. (And when I say "dangerous," I mean "possibility for some kind of real intimacy.")
Ah, not a simple question at all, Mano, and a good one to ask, and one I've been asking myself a lot. The answer is, well, I'm not really sure. As I said to him last week, we either need to really try or to call it a day and just be friends. I outlined that "really trying" would have to include seeing one another, but that I had no clue beyond that. It's complicated, because he's not here, and isn't likely to be here. In theory we could try to be in the same place, but we're both pretty reluctant to do so on what things are right now. And so. Who knows?
What do I want? I'd like to be in the same place as him in order to see whether we'd hate each other if we were. And that's a dumb thing to want, as it doesn't really explain anything, really.
What would it take for me not to give him the heave ho? Huh. I suppose we'll see what he comes up with :)
(OOH! "Cry Me a River" - J Timberlake is on!
Oh, and just one more point of interest to Dr. C: WofT got skewered in the local newspaper today for being a total phony.
P-G - Hee! I'd forgotten all about WofT!
Crazy, can't y'all take advantage of flexible schedules and breaks and holidays and explore what it would be like if you could be together and then worry about if it's possible for one or the other to make a move?
My perspective in a LD relationship my own right now ... well, we're 6 hours apart and probably have fewer prospects for getting geographically close than you and FB do for a whole host of reasons ... and we're doing all we can to spend time together. As many long weekends as possible, taking turns on travel. Thanksgiving. A week in Dec before visiting our respective families. Etc. The geography issue has been raised, but developing the relationships is the primary issue right now.
Medusa: why is possibility for real intimacy dangerous?
And what's up with his not-quite-ex wife?
Prince is so awesome.
Ah, well, the issue is that this semester the schedules aren't so flexible. That's the problem. And I'm not willing to do this for much longer if we can't manage to get one visit in. So, we shall see.
But all hope is not lost.... I'm just feeling awfully cranky about it today. I know how he feels about me, and we talk about all of this stuff, so it's not a matter of us not communicating about it. It's just a matter of me being fucking impatient and irritated. Which, as far as I'm concerned, I have every right to be :)
Heu Mihi! Are you still there? Whereabouts (generally) are you? Tell us a bit about yourself! I feel like you're being left out of the conversation!
Wow, Crazy, the thing with FB is now starting to sound a lot like what happened between me and J. We had a long history (like I said, back in HS he was my first--we weren't together for very long, had a drama-filled breakup, I stayed enamored with him for years, blah blah blah). When he came back on the scene, I was where I am now and he was in TX. He was planning to move to Manoland, but was not on the ball when it came to doing what was necessary to make that move. I didn't think we could work anyway (he didn't meet a lot of my pre-reqs for "worth trying a relationship with," but like I said, there was a history). But when he wouldn't even move to be with me to see if it would work, despite making wildly romantic and soulful claims about what I meant to him...no. Just no.
It's so hard when there is a distance situation like that...SO hard, because you can't tell if you're making the right choice, or throwing something down the toilet that could have great. I feel for you there.
Dr. C--Is there resistance to a visit on his end? Or is it really impossible for him to come out? 'Cause yeah, it sounds like crankiness is justified. (Either way.)
Re: PG's comment...I agree to a certain extent that visits can be a great way to explore. But they can also be a not-so-good way to explore if a relationship would work if both people lived in the same place...because they are visits. So J. and I would have fantastic sex, great meals, great conversations, a great time hanging out with his friends (he is a musician, so I was witness to many an awesome jam session), etc. But not a lot of the kind of time you'd spend with someone if they were always around...there was a way in which the novelty of it never really wore off, but it would have worn off if we'd been living in the same place. Don't know if that makes sense.
On the other hand, if you've already lived in the same place, visits are less prone to that pitfall (my current situation).
Well, I hope you are able to make the visit thing work and keep it going. I know from situations I've had that sounded similar that it's really frustrating.
402 and I have dealt with the schedule bit this semester too ... we've both actually reconfigured a few things to make it work, and really aside from holidays we're only seeing each other once a month or so. Next semester should be better because we're not taking on commitments for next semester without checking in with each other first. It's our goal right now to spend as much time together as possible and to spend next summer together. What happens after that, who knows. But it does take a big planning effort and sometimes a lot of travel time for relatively little time together. Sigh.
Hi! Yes! I'm here. Just trying to keep up (or figure out what's going on), and also checking a conference program at the same time.
So here's my scoop, if you're interested:
I'm in the midwest, newly relocated to a *very* small town for a one-year (I graduated in May). I'm teaching 4 classes, and, having only taught one class before total, finding this rather overwhelming, but all in all a good experience (despite some institutional weirdness, which I won't get into). Perhaps more interestingly, I have a boyfriend of several years who is now much farther away than before; we've been LD for a while, but whereas we used to be a-four-hour-busride-apart LD, now it's more of an all-day traveling ordeal. We're hoping, without much hope, that this year's job market will rectify the situation.
In the meantime, since I have no personal life here at all, I'm developing an imaginary crush on a real person (if that makes sense) in order to keep myself entertained and pretend that there's some drama in my life. He's actually the only person I feel that I've particularly clicked with here (perhaps because he's in a comparable position--also relocated for a one-year--and the only other person in his 30s who *drinks* on this campus, apparently), but there are a variety of reasons why, even if I were single (and I have no intentions of moving this crush out of the imaginary), there would be no chance of anything "happening." So yeah, that's my life.
Prince is so awesome.
Not ex ex-wife has a boyfriend. NSTG and not ex ex-wife live in the same town and share custody of the kids (3 and 3, alternating extra day). I think she is just recently pushing for a divorce, which they had agreed not to bother with until the kids turned 18. Reportedly.
Why is possibility of real intimacy dangerous? Fear of real intimacy. Why the fear? Deep deep deep stuff. Easy short answers--loss of self, not wanting to reveal self (i.e. fear of rejection), not wanting to commit, not knowing how to be truly intimate, share emotionally, etc . . .that's as far as the conscious trail goes.
Is there resistance to a visit on his end? No, not really. There have just been a lot of reasons why it hasn't worked (weekends good for me were ones when he had to be out of town, other logistical things). The fact is, I know that he wants to see me. He, in fact, was the one who made the first visit happen, with very little help from me. I give him credit for that. Honestly, he's been better than I've been about a lot of this shit. (The fact is, you've got to realize that the version of this that I portray is obviously going to make me look like some sort of wronged party. I'm not. Really, we're BOTH fools when it comes to the whole thing. That's not to say that I'm not justified in being cranky - I so am - but it is to say that he's not the villain here. It's more the situation than anything else.)
Re. mano's comment: certainly visits aren't the same thing as spending real-life time together. But you can still tell something from the quality of a visit. I had an LD relationship once where I only liked visiting him, but didn't like him coming to visit me--ultimately that was a pretty strong signal that I didn't want him in my life full-time. So, while they're an imperfect testing ground, they are at least a start.
I went to a Prince concert once with the man I really should have married. Sadly, he died (after I was married ... and yes, I was a fool).
I don't understand, if they are legally separated, why divorce must wait until the kids are 18.
Intimacy is scary ... but also exciting and full of yummy goodness.
Crazy, I think one of y'all should just be impulsive and make it happen :)
"I don't understand, if they are legally separated, why divorce must wait until the kids are 18."
For the record, neither do I. Unless there are some kind of legal issues (e.g. power of attorney or next of kin status) that they want to keep in play?
Heu Mihi:
Of COURSE the imaginary real-life crushes make sense! I have historically been a strong proponent of those. Indeed, they add spice to an otherwise drab academic life.
You say Midwest? Maybe email me at reassignedtime at gmail dot com and tell me where? Because I'm in the midwest... we may be (fairly close) neighbors - depending on one's def. of midwest.
P-G,
Yes, one of us should. Except, Crazy as I am, I'm not impulsive. And therein lies the difficulty :)
See? It's not really that he's a douchebag (though he is) - it's that in a lot of ways I refuse to give an inch :)
I do [heart] imaginary real-life crushes. It had been WAY too long since I'd had one.
I am semi-hard-core Midwest (cornfields and Republicans). I'll send an email in a bit and we can compare.
Re: the visits vs. real life thing. I actually talked to FB about this (he's done the long distance thing for real before, whereas I really haven't). As I explained to him, the way it will go (if it goes) is that we'll do a once a month thing until summer, and then one or the other of us would have to go to the other for like a month. And then we'd know what it was. This all can be easy in spring, when I'm not teaching 5 days a week. But the issue now is that I'm not really willing to hold out until then, which he knows. And thus, here we are. We'll see what he does. As I said to him, my issue isn't that I don't know how he feels about me. I do. It's that I need action. And he's recently not been in much of a place for action, which I, a person of action, don't really have much patience for dealing with.
Obviously I've been forgetting to post as Crazy :)
"Boys Don't Cry" by the Cure is a great fucking song, just to digress for a moment.
BTW, Medusa was just taking the Chalupa out for her last potty of the night - she's not gone (I don't think).
Yes--ultimately the not getting legally divorced makes no sense, no matter how he tries to justify it. The whole "it's a stupid meaningless expensive hassle" thing makes NO sense in light of the fact that they bothered to get legally married in the first place. I think I tend to discount my own suspicions and blame my own "fear of intimacy" too much, even when the reluctance to get emotionally involved is perfectly justified.
Well, "Boys Don't Cry" *is* a great song.
Is there anything to be gained from action *now*? I mean, obviously you want to know what the score is. But if not knowing about him isn't preventing you from doing anything else, does it matter if you have to wait until spring?
Okay, I'll admit that I'm being wildly hypocritical here, because the situation you describe would drive me nuts as well. But I can imagine some extremely mature and poised person deciding just to wait and give it a shot in the spring and let it lie until then. This person may, however, be a mere fantasy--a construct of the advice column and certain rather dull romantic comedies.
Well, it all makes sense but nonetheless sounds frustrating.
I understand the cranky ... feeling it right now quite intensely about spending several weekends apart even though it was unavoidable (and a trip to Europe is about to make for a week without phone calls, most likely. grrrr.).
Have lamely switched to propel water.
Elvis Costello playing.
BTW, crazy, I think we are opposites: I would not call myself crazy, but I most certainly am impulsive. It's not always a good thing.
Hi heu mihi!
Here's what I've been wondering, in my own moments of self-doubt: Having thought I'd found "the one" once before and that being a disaster as mentioned back several posts, but probably a necessary component of growing up ... the next time you think you've found "the one" how do you believe it, fully and 100%?
I'm a bit behind on the conversation... but, I can tell you more or less why my uncle decided not to get legally divorced until his youngest child was 18... the problem was that their mom was pretty unstable, but he also knew that would be hard to prove. She said she'd fight him on custody unless she got to stay on his insurance. Since he works for the federal gov't, he couldn't keep her unless they were married. So, they were legally separated for about 9 years until my youngest cousin turned 18... now, they're divorced and he's seeing a really nice woman (with cash :) ).
What's playing over here? Yeah Yeah Yeahs "Modern Romance"
"Time, time is gone
It stops, stops who it wants
Well I was wrong
It never lasts
There is no
This is no
Modern Romance."
But I digress. Why can't it wait until spring? Because I want to see him now and he should just do what I want him to do :) And because I've tried to make plans, and I feel like it's bogus that with my schedule I can make the attempt and that yet it comes to nothing (which isn't fair, but I'm not a fair person when it comes to having the 4/4 job that I've got). But the reality is that it may be able to wait until Spring, but I'm really fucking scared of just hanging on forever for nothing to come of it, which is why I've set an arbitrary deadline in my head about the whole thing.
You're not lame, P-G for switching to water: you are smart. I, on the other hand, am still on the vino.
Crazy: Thanksgiving? Xmas holidays?
profgrrrl.... I suspect that you won't be nearly as certain that the new ONE is THE ONE. On the other hand, you also know that the break-up is hard but also something you can survive... so, the risk isn't as big either.
As for long-distance things... A summer can be a great test. 17 years ago I moved in with hubby for the summer... and didn't leave until he got the job in Red State and I stayed in BN state. Now we see too much of Iowa in between ----
The advantage of LD relationships is that you can have the crazy living-alone habits for a while too... along with the emotional security of having someone who loves you and misses you.
I am nearly out of scotch. Must go to liquor store tomorrow, and try not to run into any students there.
Hm, yes, impatience. And especially if you're trying to get out there to see him. Spring is a lot farther away than I allow myself to believe. And at this stage in your FRelationship, I suppose holiday visits--e.g. Thanksgiving--might be weird? Humph. He needs to get his ass to your place, in my opinion.
Gah, I was shortcutting in that last comment. Head is going bad again, may be time for the nyquil soon.
What I meant was: Can you go ahead and make the concrete plans for the free time in the future, and I think reasonably if y'all wanna make a go for it something could be done come the holidays (I say this as someone with two sets of parents who always do the "come home come home" thing) or at least you could make the first of those spring plans now and (hopefully) feel more settled about it.
Hi, Inside. Thanks for anticipating my next question! Is there any way that while I might not be able to theoretically justify his decision, I could imagine practical reasons (or even impractical real reasons) I wouldn't do the same? Not ever having been in a legally binding contract with another person, I have no real way of knowing . . .
I don't know. He has put himself out there emotionally (to me) much more than I have to him.
In other news, Annie Lennox is amazing.
P-G, on the question of "the one." I don't actually believe in "the one." I believe in two people who fucking decide. Who make it happen because they both believe in it and because they both want it. The whole idea that somebody is "meant" for somebody else just doesn't persuade me. Also, and this is a thing about that, I feel like the "soul mates" thing is dangerous when it comes to real life relationships. The best explanation how I feel about it that I've ever seen comes from _Eat, Love, Pray_ which I just so happen to have next to me.
"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful" (149).
Crazy,
If he did what you want him to do -- would he really be him?
It is true, if it is going to work, it will wait a while... it is awful, but true.
PhilFact: I'm actually spooked that I feel more like this one is THE ONE than I did with the prior one. I think I wanted the happily ever after more then, felt I needed it more ... but I'm kind of scared by how I've been able in 6 short months to open myself up more to 402 than I think I ever really did with ex. Back in the day, I didn't think it was possible to expect more (and I trusted ex, who set that limitation on the relationship, really). Is all so confusing.
Oh, the last divorce question/Annie Lennox statement was mine.
Also? Emmylou Harris is amazing.
Profgrrrl, I think I know what you mean. I haven't been married, but I did have a four-year relationship (lived together for two) prior to my current relationship. I was never totally sure about the 4-year guy, but I did think that I would marry the guy I dated before that. No real answers here. Only with current boyfriend I hardly ever feel any tension, we agree about the important stuff, there are no "I need something and you're not giving it to me" days. But then--am I just thinking that this relationship will last because it lacks the specific problems of the previous relationships? I had different problems with 4-year guy and the First Major Boyfriend, but neither relationship turned out for the best. So...yeah, I don't know. I guess the only thing to do is to fall back on some cliche or other, and that's kind of depressing.
Current boyfriend and I, by the way, have never lived in the same place for very long: we were both in the same town for the first 4 months of our relationship, and spent last summer together overseas. But otherwise, it's been visits and more visits. Which is kind of nice--as ItPF says, you get to live the single life without actually being single.
Medusa (I think)
Pg 294 (yes, it was on my coffee table), 2nd para of section 99. "The mysterious magnet is either there, buried somewhere deep behind the sternum, or it is not."
Well, that whole paragraph. Oh, it struck me hard.
I do think that the person with an easier schedule for travel should do more of the travel... Hubby only teaches T/Th, so he can come home on Thursday night and leave on Monday afternoon. I can go down on Thursday night, but must leave on Monday morning as I teach Monday night... it is clearly more difficult for me to do the moving, so he comes up more...
When we got back together I was in Minneapolis and he was in Denver. My step-dad worked for United Airlines and I could fly to Denver for $5.00... so, I came out all the time. Plus, was in college and he was in the Air Force, so I could skip class to go visit :).
So -- if it would be easier for him to come see you, he should do so.
Crazy, I understand where you are with the initiating of such stuff. Seriously, I do. And I'd like to think it is possible to find holiday time that doesn't involve anyone's parents.
Medusa, which Emmylou? I love love love Wrecking Ball. When I first heard it ('99?) I knew it explained the end with ex ... and that's right, we hadn't even managed to get married yet. Silly. Stupid.
Ooh! I have a 402 on the phone! Very excited!!!! :)
But he's stressed about his big trip (leaves tomorrow).
El Perro del Mar rocks. Everyone must listen to "I Can't Talk About It." And "Party." *Everyone.*
Um...what was I going to say?
Perhaps it's good that I'm (nearly) out of scotch. Unfortunately, I still have a lot of beer.
Oh yeah. Crazy, fair enough that you want him to initiate. Right on. This isn't about being a fucking "Rules Girl" or any other such bullshit, but rather wanting him to show some initiative, right? Show that he's willing to invest in this thing too.
That's all.
P-G,
But maybe you're *ready* now in a way that you weren't with Ex? Maybe, in other words, it's not ultimately about the dude (not that the dude doesn't have anything to do with it) but maybe it's about *you* and knowing what you want? If that's the case, it makes sense that 402 feels more right. Because you're more right for this kind of relationship right now.
IPF- You're right, that if he's right it will wait. I believe that. But *I'm* not going to wait, if that makes sense. If it happens, it will happens, but I'm not going to do time hoping for something that might not happen. (I should say that I don't see myself saying no to it if it did happen after the new year. BUT. I'm not going to be waiting in the wings for it to do so, if that makes sense.)
Heu Mihi -- can I have one of those beers?
I think "the one" is the someone (any one of the someones) you believe in.
A soulmate? Totally different story. What an amazing quotation. Crazy, you and I both know who my soulmate, according to that definition, was. Wowsers.
and... for those of you who love Prince -- rumor was that he considered buying the house across the lake from where I grew up. The problem was that the neighbors wouldn't let him paint it purple and put up a big fence.
I was ok with him not moving in because the other rumor was that he liked to spy on his neighbors and they were directly across the lake from us... he could have seen in our windows... a bit creepy for teenaged girls.
PG--
Yes. Please.
Hell, though, I might go open one myself (and take out my contacts). It's only 11 here. And I worked fucking hard this week and should be allowed to get drunk once in a long while even if I have to do so alone, right?
(Right?)
Dr. C --
I totally get that. It is fair to say that you won't wait around, but if it happens later, than you won't say no. Think about it kind of like being an adjunct... you wouldn't decline a better job if it came along, especially if the current one hadn't made a committment...
On the other hand, if there is a desire to visit but no resources to do so... (really, not the fake I'm too broke/busy to travel shit some people pull)... then, it seems a bit like letting bad circumstances prevent an otherwise good thing.
The question is, if you met someone awesome who lives in your town, would you tell them that you have a LD boyfriend?
Ooh! 402! Tell him we all say hello!
(Aside: "All She Wants Is" by Duran Duran is on)
Sucks that you're out of scotch, HM, but yay beer! Hurrah! And you're so right that it's so not about a Rules Girl thing, as I've never succeeded at being one of those. It's just... you know, it shouldn't all be on me, and if it is, I'll never believe he wants it. He knows that (because, again, we are bizarrely open with one another), so we'll see whether it can happen or not. If not, I really feel like that's ok. I'd just rather know sooner than later.
Oh God, that was me. I keep forgetting to say who I am :)
Yes, yes, and yes re: the person who can travel more should do so. If it's an LDR, you're going to want to see each other as much as possible, and for the LDR to work (and to see if it could work were it not an LDR), you've got to spend time together. So yes. (My partner will already come here more than I will go there--his folks live in this state, plus I'm low on funds now.)
As for PG's question re: "the one," I'm with Medusa on this issue. People decide to make commitments--they don't "find" them. I think it's fabulous that you've opened up so much to 402, that you and him makes plans together and are able to move forward with those plans as a unit, and that you're enjoying it so much. You'll see what will happen in the future the closer you get to the future, and will give each other the room of knowing that if it's ever not right for one of you, you'll a) communicate that clearly, and b) figure out what to do at that moment.
Oh my god! El Perro del Mar's "Party" just came on! Out of 3955 songs, that's the one the itunes chose! Clearly everything I'm doing right now is being endorsed by the entire universe at large.
Anyway--Crazy, yes, that makes perfect sense. And at least you're bizarrely open with one another. That sounds promising--although I've found that being open can be trickier once the relationship is established. Nonetheless, a good precedent is a good precedent.
HM - You're not drinking alone - you're at the Lounge! That's the awesome thing!
IPF - Would I say I had an LDB? Honestly? Where things stand right now? No. Because you know what? We've signed no treaties and we've seen each other just one fucking time. Yes, we're in a relationship, but is he my boyfriend? No. If he wants to be my boyfriend, then things need to be something more defined than what they are right now. The way I've been approaching it is that I assume either one of us would fuck anybody local with whom we had the chance. The definition of boyfriend-girlfriend in this case would be if we agreed not to do that.
The Eat Love Pray quotation was from Dr. Crazy. In my version of Eat Love Pray (Eat Love Ni-na-ni-na Bleak Anna) the soulmates are involved in a lengthy legal dispute and then one of them throws herself in the path of an oncoming train. =)
I also agree with Dr. C.'s point about it being the right time, or one being ready at that point in their life, for a certain kind of relationship. It's not just about if someone was "right" or "wrong" for you, but where you are in your life.
The pressure to be able to say you've found the one pushes people, I think, into more commitment than the relationship benefits from. Was true for me and Ex. Part of why I've savored things this time around slowly...like I'm savoring this glass of sweet raspberry wine. :)
And TWO tasks, going on three, crossed off my list! Wahoo!
Mano, can I just say that you suck for accomplishing things right now? Not really, but you're making me feel guilty :)
And Med, I so love your version of Eat Pray Love! (ni na, ni na)
Crazy...
I think that is fair and probably the right attitude to take... you have an interesting and intense flirtation that could be more -- but, it sounds like the more is a two-way street and he needs to get his ass in gear.
Just don't close yourself off from meeting other people because of him... maybe dating someone else a few times would help you put the imaginary boyfriend relationship in perspective.
Prince. 1999. AWESOME!
"I tried to run from my destruction
You know I didn't even care!"
sorry to drop in and then drop out...
I'm going to bed, y'all have a good night!
IPF- Don't think I haven't tried the dating others thing. One notable example is here:
http://reassignedtime.blogspot.com/2007/04/dinner-and-movie-and-some-phone-calls.html#links
And yes, that is from APRIL.
Do you see why I'm impatient?
According to itunes, I must now get my funk on.
Apropos of nothing--as I approach my mid-thirties, I am increasingly convinced that this whole idea of women reaching their sexual peak in their mid-thirties is absolutely right. I am a far lustier wench than I was a few years ago (and I was hardly a straight-and-narrow kind of girl back then, either).
I'm a fun drunk in real life, too.
To return to the subject at hand: Crazy, your attitude here seems perfectly sane to me. Yeah, date someone else if he comes along. If he doesn't, well, no loss. And the dude should be extending as much effort as you are. Nothing that you've said makes me think you're asking too much (although I know we're only getting your side of things, of course!).
Damn! 111 comments?!? I'm missing out!
PG--Any Emmylou, but yes Wrecking Ball is dead glorious. I saw her play in this tiny bar in Park City, Utah. AWESOME.
I'm so not asking for too much. And he'd be the first one to tell you that. And you know what? I entirely agree about the whole "sexual peak" business, and indeed, this is part of my problem! Dude! If I were getting laid I would NOT be complaining so much! Not at ALL!
Heya! New Kid is here! Hurrah!
Medusa, you're still here? You must comment something substantive so that I can respond to you :)
This is exactly how my Saturday night needed to go.
Is that pathetic? If I couldn't hang out with Imaginary Crush (and ethically I feel that I can't, not over drinks, not until the crush fully grasps its imaginary status) I would like nothing better than an Imaginary Bar.
Dudes, I miss *bars*.
Hi, New Kid! Glad to see you!
Dude, bars are for 20-somethings. This is the problem with bars. (That said, I miss them, too!)
Crazy: Hi from 402 (who doesn't really understand what is going on here, which is for the best).
Hi New Kid. And the Emmylou comment was mine.
The dual commenting is reminding me of the old grad school days when Crazy and I would hang out in bars and pretty much be addressed as one unit.
[OK, what follows as a possibly annoying to others inside joke to case Crazy . . .]
One unit except in the case of . . .
"Crazy, Crazy--you you, you are so POPULAR!"
"Medusa, Medusa--you, you, you are so BEAUTIFUL!"
Bwhahahahahahaha!
Guess what just came on the 'pod? "Stella Medusa." I am not even kidding.
WOK AND ROLL!
If By "Stella Medusa" you mean what I think you mean, I feel as if you may need to send a text to JB.
Re: sexual peak. You just wait, girlies. I have a few years on you, and the sex drive just gets more and more insane.
Oh, yes, of course "Stella Medusa" means what you think it means. I should totally text JB and frighten him in some deep yet meaningless way!
BORN TO BE WILD!
And I have very little to add in terms of boy advice, because I'm an old married lady who's been married for 7 years to a guy she's been with for 14 (if you overlook the two years we were "on a break"). And I was pretty lame about boys before that, too. I always did the thing of not being able to open up to someone until they'd opened up to me, too.
In the meantime, since I have no personal life here at all, I'm developing an imaginary crush on a real person (if that makes sense) in order to keep myself entertained and pretend that there's some drama in my life.
OMG, I SO do this when in an LDR! Drives me nuts. It doesn't happen when I'm at home (either mine or his), but if I go somewhere new and different, I totally make this kind of thing up. It's ridiculous (the way I do it, at least!).
And isn't it kind of a pathetic comment on the academic life that all of us here have done/are doing the LDR? (Except Medusa, unless there's something I don't know?)
heu mihi--I have to say I am quite enjoying it, but it is super-intense.
NK--
YES! It's awful. Almost everyone I know is either single or in an LDR. Another one-year at Field College has a wife and newborn daughter in *Belgium,* for fuck's sake.
At this point I'm enjoying the imaginary crush--yet it's kind of annoying, because I can't really fantasize about its fulfillment. And given the choice between IC and The Boyfriend I'd certainly take the one I've got. Nonetheless....
Okay, let's see if I can comment under the right identity this time... (not like you guys don't all probably know my name by now!).
Hi all! :-)
You know, I so don't miss bars. I sucked at bars. I like being older so I don't have to worry about not wanting to go to bars.
What I totally miss is hanging out at a friends place and sitting up talking until the wee hours.
Um, like this.
And Emmylou! Not only do I love Emmylou, I want to be Emmylou. Can I have her hair?
Med is the one and only of us who's not entered into this realm. I blame the fact that she's in a City with Many Academics (and bassists). I had never done this really prior to moving to my current location, which is particularly bereft of suitable bachelors. (Speaking of my current location, can I just say that I've met more dudes through blogging - who are totally in geographically incompatible spots - than I've ever met through conventional online dating? I feel like this is a cruel joke - though also flattering because people like me for how I write.)
Medusa--I can imagine. Perhaps appropriately (perhaps not), Britney's "I'm Not A Girl Not Yet A Woman" (an utterly atrocious song; I bought the CD for $1.40 in Cambodia) just came on the iTunes.
Belgium!?! That's insane!
But then, I think I'm more likely to ditch this whole academic thing than to do the LDR again.
The sex drive comments are interesting, b/c being on the pill for 10+ years killed off my libido there for a while. Stupid hormones. I'm still figuring out what normal is again!
You know what just came on my iPod? "Those Three Days" - Lucinda Williams. I so wish that this didn't resonate.
Okay - so Med is in a city of Many Academics. Is there non-academic dating going on, or do you stick to academics generally?
OMG, "Those Three Days" is one of my favorite. songs. EVER. Complete brilliance. In a depressing way, of course.
(I have no iPod on at the moment. Instead, I have sports commentators dissecting the boxing match that just happened. ;-D)
nk--No LDR right now, though I have done it a few times. Oh, except there is More Fun, which is a LD dating thing but a friend thing but a romance thing in which we discuss getting married and having babies and we have "honeymoons" in various cities but which in the end is an open relationship, though I love him with a love that is pure and true. (That's exactly how I would have said it in a loud bar.)
Ayyyyyyyy!! Crazy, guess what's on the 'pod?
"Thanks for the occupation of my time,
It's good to get you in my liiiife,
You make me smile and smiiiiiile and smile,
Got to get you in my life,
You make me smile and smiiiiile and smile!"
It's like the Stella Medusa mix tape, dude.
I will not go on the pill again. The death of the sex drive, the general moodiness--I've tried a couple of different formulations, and I'm just not interested.
Belgium--yep. And he's only got a one-year position. There's got to be something in his past that I'm missing.... By the way, NK, although I didn't start reading your blog until shortly before you relocated to your husband's city, I'm really glad that you guys can actually be together! You give us all hope.
Re. bars: I tend to wind up in groups of loud, semi-alcoholic philosopher boys, and for some reason I actually enjoy their drunken discourse. So yeah, I have some fond memories of bars (as long as they're not TOO loud). Or it could just be that the utter impossibility of going to a bar is making me wish that I could, because it's not like my nightlife was so crazy-active in grad school.
Med will probably answer this, but she traditionally doesn't date academics. What I think helps, being in the CoA, is that people are used to them. Thus, they never make comments like, "I'll have to watch my English around you!"
He's the Mel Torme of our generation, Med. He really and truly is :)
Did enter the LDR realm with The Grand He, though it was only four hours and short-lived.
NK--I have only dated two professors, The Grand He and Narcissistic String Theory Guy, though I have had many a fling with grad students. I usually date artists--musicians and the like.
But I am an anomaly. Most of the academics I know in City with Many Academics are (and have been) in long-term relationships with other academics. But, yeah, I have only dated the one academic who actually lives in the City with Many Academics.
Hey! But back in olden times when I lived in CwMA I NEVER dated an academic! I'm telling you, it's easy in that city not to date one's kind :)
"Though only four hours and short-lived"
Hee. He only lived four hours away and the relationship was short-lived (though it might as well have been four hours long).
Am I the only one here now? Damn. This always happens. Taxi?
Oooh oohh! I think I made it before everyone went to bed this time! Did I? Does that mean I can pour myself a drink? Even though it's only 3pm?
Monteverdi. Vespers of 1610. Not really of a piece with the other music that's coming up tonight, but seriously: look into it.
I might not be long for the waking world.... A part of me wants to be the kind that would stay up till all hours drinking, half-working, and commenting, but the other half suspects I ought to go to bed.
Styleygeek, where the hell are you that it's 3pm?
I'm still here Medusa and Styley! Admittedly, I'm thinking about the bed, but as I've still got a glass or so of wine,....
Ah, I get the brilliance of CwMA. I can understand that (having grown up in that neck of the woods).
I don't think I'd have ever MET a non-academic (to date). But then, I am rather lame that way. Maybe the other academics dating each other in CwMA are the same?
and heu mihi, thanks! although since we ended up together again largely because I lost my job, well, I'm not sure that's very hopeful. :-P I wonder if it will ever be possible to a relationship and a career that both work at the same time??
Isn't Styley in New Zealand? I feel like that's true....
Ok, brief departure because Mollusk Man called, yay!--and had to make some dinner. Can I just say that I so share the frustration at some many LDRs for academics. It's crazy! This always seems to come up, and there is no easy way to negotiate it with your partner, and it's so hard to explain to everyone else who doesn't get that we do not choose where we live (for the most part). So frustrating.
I like certain kinds of bars but not others. There are a few around here I like with a nice mix of folks. Frat boy bars--no. Bars that are way too hipster--no.
Medusa, I LOVE your comment you would say loudly in a bar. You crack me up. :)
And I have to admit that I only skimmed the comments so far (139 of them!), but here's my 2 cents:
If the boys are irritating and asshole-ish then you should fuck them for as long as that's fun and then dump and run. If you are looking for more than that, then you need to find someone who isn't an asshole. (I may have totally misinterpreted the question and background based on my "scroll scroll scroll asshole scroll scroll scroll what to do? scroll scroll scroll" approach to the comments so far.)
As for soulmates/the one, I don't believe there's only one person out there, or even that there is one perfect person for everyone, but I do believe that you can divide potential flings into the categories of (1) hot but I'd rather live on my own for the rest of my life than with him and (2) life is a whole order of magnitude better around this person than without them. And the second category (in my experience) is really really really small (so far, only Geekman).
Ah, NK, the eternal question: whether a relationship and a career can ever possibly work out. Katherine Hepburn would have said no. What do I think? Oh, who knows. This said, I've got to admit the only reason other than the FB why I'm excited about the job I told you about is because you're out in that neck of the woods. So who knows? :)
Australia. I feel that's truer :)
Styley! and Med! I'm still here! Sort of - I really need to make a quick pseudo-clean of the bedroom before I collapse into bed. (no longer LD)H has been out of town, and I said, Oh, yeah, I'll sort out junk and organize the apartment while you're gone! Unfortunately his plane lands at *6:30 am* tomorrow morning and after tearing my hair out over the utter lack of ways to arrange our stuff in the living room earlier today (may I say that this apartment is pretty but one of the most poorly-designed places I've lived in, ever? I really hate this apartment), I did NOT do anything in the bedroom. Not even changing the sheets, which I need to do because there was a wee rip on his side of the bed which he magnified into a vast gaping hole. Which, though his fault, still probably means I should put non-holey sheets on the bed. Alas, it's not happening tonight, but maybe I can pick up all the clothes from the floor and toss them into a laundry basket.
Um, yeah, you all have DEFINITELY left in the time it took me to write that!
Styley: I've got to say, I feel like your advice is the best yet :)
NK--that's true; sorry about any tactlessness (blame the liquor!). Nonetheless, you seem happy in your current gig--and perhaps the future will reconcile your various worlds?
I do sometimes think that I've basically--and inadvertently (because what do you know when you're 23?)--chosen a life that precludes having a family, and that pisses me off. I got pretty down the other day thinking that it's entirely possible that the Boyfriend and I won't manage to live in the same city until after my plausible child-bearing years. But I had other sources of stress that day, so the sentiment may have been melodramatic.
This is confusing. Do I have to click "refresh" to make new comments appear? I guess so. Hmmm... you need an embedded chat window :)
*waves at NK*
Hi Styley! How are things in your hemisphere? Do have a drink! It's only proper.
Oh. my. god. Bad Company is on the 'pod. I swear to god I do not own Bad Company. I think the music mingles and breeds. The question is: what and what came together to create "Rock n Roll Fantasy"?
I think I might have some ice cream with my wine.
Also? I made a Gael Garcia Bernal collage for ya'll. Check it out.
Why, thank you :) Maybe it helps to have strong opinions with no background knowledge to support them. That doesn't work for my students so well, though.
Ok, that was Crazy, in the last Crazy and Med comment, because I forgot to change the commenting thing. NK, you are fab :) I feel as if will I ever be a wife, I will not be unlike the kind that you are ( and yes, that syntax is horrible, but I'm a wee bit "merry" as my Welsh friend would term it :) )
Heu Mihi---I feel I'm in the opposite trap. After doing the long distance thing with Geekman, I have decided that I just won't. At all. So I sometimes feel resentful that I have chosen a career that most likely won't let me get past entry level jobs (i.e. adjuncting) because I have a relationship.
Medusa--where, where is said collage? I see no such collage! I have even hit Refresh!
it's so hard to explain to everyone else who doesn't get that we do not choose where we live (for the most part).
I know! I know! People think you like to torture yourself with LDRs for fun, or something!
And the second category (in my experience) is really really really small (so far, only Geekman).
awwwwww! (I know how you feel. If it weren't for (nlLD)H, I'd be a vicious loner with my kitties.)
And Crazy, I am SO rooting for you to get that job - and not in any altruistic way b/c of FB, but because I'd have a FRIEND out here! (Yes, I am a social loser. It's so attractive, I know.)
What's funny too is that a new medieval history job opened up in a small town where another blogger I know works, and we were both like, Dude! If you/I got this job, we could hang out!!
styley--ugh. That sucks. Clearly the problem is that we need to make a choice at *all*--and yet, I'm not sure I can see a way for the profession to reconfigure itself such that that isn't the case.
I saw the collage! Try refreshing again.
(If only this party had sound, you could all hear the parrots that are currently congregated on my balcony.)
I have no new collage of hotness!
Hee hee. "Rooting." You Americans are so cute :)
Yeah, okay, I need to go to bed in a minute. In a minute!!
At the top of the page---if you are on the page just for this post, you'll need to go back to the main URL before you'll see it, because it's a separate post.
NK - I have to say, that job is most attractive to me because you're there. FB, whatever. The fact of the matter is that he and I will probably not be compatible (for any number of reasons), and he's already not compatible with my sweet, sweet Man-Kitty (whom he seems to think is a "mean" cat, which is so not true, and he also doesn't seem to understand that I will always love the M-K more than I loe him). Thus, Others Aside from FB are a good thing :)
heu mihi - no, no tactlessness, don't worry! I didn't mean to sound bitter or anything (except, well, sometimes I'm bitter ;-D). Honestly, I am better off, and I appreciate your good wishes.
And Crazy - ah, if I could get (nlLD)H to appreciate me the way that you do! (Actually, he's pretty appreciative. Except about my housekeeping.) The living room and three-foot-square kitchen do, admittedly, look better, if you ignore the 6 or 7 boxes destined for storage (things like pie plates. You figure out you don't need pie plates in a three-foot-square kitchen).
And Medusa - Bad Company??? I am having scary late 70s/early 80s flashbacks.
Can I just say that photo #2 of GGB may just be the best thing in the whole world? Oh my.
Okay, your problem is solved, Dr. Crazy. There is just NO WAY you can have a relationship with someone who doesn't love your cat. That's just one of those eternal rules.
(My first boyfriend hated my dog, and it was a sign I should have dumped him long before I did.)
NK, the thing I hate is having to explain to everybody the entire job thing before they get my relationship. In response to "why can't one of you just get a job in the other person's location?" you have to explain the whole stupid process. And that's when you know to what crazy extent the job has dominated your life--when in order to just explain why your relationship is the way it is, you need to explain how your career works.
NK--like I said, that Bad Company came from whence I know not.
Has everyone seen the collage of hotness?
Must take the Chalupa outside again. She is VERY confused about being awake at this late hour.
I FEEL LIKE MAKIN' LOVE!
And one of the clear signs that Geekman was the guy for me was when I first went for a walk with him in his neighbourhood and all the local cats came running up to have their tummies rubbed, because he knew them so well.
You're all part of my rock and roll fantasy!!!!
Sorry, I'm doing that drunk person thing where I just have my own little conversation on a topic that everyone else has moved on from. And I'm not even drunk.
Styley - there's a Canadian clothing company called Roots (they did the winter Olympics uniforms for the Canadian team one time) and a friend of my husband's got a "roots" ball cap and wore it all around Australia. She amused people mightily.
Crazy, the compatibility with the cats is a serious issue. I can't imagine the Man-Kitty is at all mean! Just not welcoming to those who don't appreciate his marvelousness.
Anyway, FB etc aside, it really is fucking gorgeous out here. Seriously. And it's nice and liberal, too. So there's that.
Okay, hotness collage problem solved. I was in the right browser (or whatever the hell it's called), but my internet is fucking slow.
Crazy--he doesn't like your cat? Um. Excuse me. I've seen pictures of your cat. He is clearly a benevolent divine being who deserves wanton appreciation.
Yeah, that's enough from this mihi. I'm off. Thanks for having me!
Sorry, my cockatoos have arrived. I have to go feed them. Back soon.
Styley, awww, that's such a sweet story. :) Yeah, the cat love is an important indicator!
You know, I kinda like pic #1 of the hot Spanish guy (he is Spanish, yes, or have a made a huge faux pas and he's Mexican?), because he's got the "I'm hot and yet intellectual" glasses on.
One of Crazy's Favorite All-Time Songs:
"Different Drum" by Linda Ronstadt.
Indeed, all Linda Ronstadt is awesome. And a smallish Crazy, as a child, did indeed know all of her songs, enough to sing them at the ice-skating rink. Oh, the Linda. She is awesome.
And that also explains why I'm always 6 comments behind. Again: Good night!
You won't BELIEVE what's on the shuffle now:
"Hot Stepper" by Ini Kamoze. No, I'm not kidding.
GGB #3 looks like this guy I dated for a short while in college. We broke up because he smoked too much pot (seriously) but yeah, he was pretty hot.
He was an artist and a musician. Just like J. Just like a lot of guys I've fallen for that were not relationship material, but they were a lot of fun. That's been my pattern pre-committed relationship phase. :)
And Mano - yes, exactly!!
Styley, that is way sweet! I met (nlLD)H at a party where we both stopped to admire/give love to a beautiful orange cat.
And I'm jealous of your cockatoos.
Bye, heu mihi!
Argh, that's me - too lazy to go fix the ID.
And yet again, New Kid can't figure out how not to have her actual name on the comment! (Well, I think you all know it already, anyway.)
And oh dear, hot Spanish-named-guy is in fact Mexican. I am embarrassed.
Crazy (Mano asks, very amused), precisely what is your rock and roll fantasy?
*laughter*
Ok, Crazy is going to sleep. Yes, he thinks the M-K is mean. This may be because the M-K cut him when he was here.
http://reassignedtime.blogspot.com/2007/06/my-name-is-man-kitty-and-i-am-saboteur.html#links
But the FB is still a fool, as clearly the M-K only sabotaged him because he was LAME! I mean, come ON! The M-K is so GREAT! (And M-K's sweet to all but FB and one other suitor; in other situations, the M-K is very, very love-y.) That said, I miss that FB didn't call me tonight. Sure, I could call him, but I explained to him about how he has to do that :)
Back again! Cockatoos fed and stroked.
Bye, Heu Mihi!
Bye Crazy! Thanks for a great party!
Is anyone staying? Or should I go back to alphabetising my appendix?
'Night Crazy. It's still not that late on my coast...so I shall finish up a task, call Mollusk Man, finish my wine, and call it a night. Good night to all.
I have to go crash - I have a killer headache, and (nlLD)H will be home about 7 hours from now. Thanks for hosting the party, ladies! Styley, enjoy that index! (Did you pick a color?)
Gael looks like my first love, who was also from Mexico. Ah, the first love. Ah, the Gael.
Is anyone still here? Helloooooooo? Dylan's back on 'pod, and I am singing at the top of my lungs in my best Bobby Z. voice.
I'm thinking about purple. I like the idea of lilac, but it might get grubby if it's too pale. Otherwise dark red. I'll make a final decision at the printer's.
Have a good sleep!
I'm still here, Dr. M! But I do need to get back to my appendix, I think. Enjoy your singing!
OK, everyone's gone to bed and here I am singing Dylan tunes by myself to myself. Sad sad sad. Anyway, thanks for coming, everyone! It was another lovely night at the Lounge!
I missed the party again! This totally sucks!
I want to show up next time! But I need a little notice, because I have to travel such a far way (you know I'm a couple hours ahead of yous).
EE
Sorry EE! It's been a spur-of-the-moment thing so far! I will try to send you a personal email invitation next time, but check in on Fridays and Saturdays between 7 or 8p and 1 or 2a EST.
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