Fake Boyfriend

Crazy here.

So. A commenter said she'd like to know more about the Fake Boyfriend, and, since I'm not in my usual space, I feel that I should probably tell the tale.

It all began.... well, FB had a blog of his own for a while, probably about two years ago, maybe more. He commented around at my blog as well as at others in the hood where mine resides. And then he disappeared.

So I write a post, around the beginning of Fall 2006, about how my book orders got fucked up, and he commented, after a long silence. I was excited to see him, mainly because I'd remembered him from before (he'd long since shut his blog down) and I'd not seen him. So I tell him he should email me. And so it begins.

So we email a bit, and it's flirtatious, but whatever, for I was still at the point at that point where I thought that weirdos who wanted to talk to Dr. Crazy were, well, weirdos. And then I talked to another bloggy person, and it was revealed that he'd had a flirtation with her in the past. And though I email with FB a bit after that, as well as talk to him on the phone, I figure that he's a douchebag, and so I sort of blow him off. I mean, why BOTHER? Also, I'm very busy with other things. But so then, I saddle myself with a Bloggy Infatuation, and then I realize I need to find a way to neutralize that, and so I send FB an email, after I'd not talked to him for a couple of months. And so he emails back, and we're back in touch. Only this time, I totally don't think of him as a BOY or anything - I think of him as like a guy I went to high school with and our conversations tend to be those in which I'm a bitch to him and he finds that charming and funny.

(The thing about FB is that he's from my Homestate, and I can fuck with him in the way that I fucked with boys from high school, can be mean to him in exactly the same way, and he takes it the way that it's meant. This is a rare, rare thing.)

But so then a BIG FUCKED UP THING happens with FB, when I think we're just doing the friend thing, and somehow things go to another level. This was, for me, a total surprise.

But then things continue to go in the Beyond Just a Friend Way, and the next thing I know, he plans a trip. This trip involves him seeing me, but it also involves me driving him to his hometown and dropping him off at his parents'. I suspect the reason that this happened is in part that I could convince myself that it was insane, and thus I didn't freak out about it as I would have as I would have done if I thought it definitively "meant" something.

Also, I had a trip to Britain planned for directly after, so I had pretty much surmised things would fizzle during that time off, so I thought I was safe. But. It didn't fizzle. He made sure to leave me a voicemail on the day I returned, and apparently, nothing changed during my two-week absence. But he's still fucked up. Which means that I've not seen him since June. But he calls me every day, and we're in some sort of a relationship, although the contours of that are unusual.

What will happen? I have no fucking idea. We've said we love each other; we've had arguments as if we are together; we like one another, both as friends (more than anything else) and otherwise (nothing to sneeze at). Should things not work out, I'm certain that he is my friend, and I'm commited to forcing him to be my friend (something I've only felt one other time). Should things work out?

Well, to be honest, I've not let myself think that they ever would, not really. Except that if they were to work out, it would be an amazing thing, and there are some possibilities for them to do so given the job market this year, although I'm in no way hopeful.

Also, have I mentioned that he's fucked up? He is. And so am I. And at the end of the day, I don't know whether either one of us can get past our own individual fucked-up-ness.

And even if we can? Well, we're both only children and we're both pretty single-minded about our own needs/desires. There will, in any scenario, be a need for a lot of compromise and a lot of negotiation.

One thing that speaks in favor of it is that I'm not daunted by it. Perhaps I'm not daunted by it because I believe it's ultimately impossible? And thus it's not really scary? Entirely possible. But also it may be that I can see where it really could work in a way that other things couldn't.

But so where things are with FB and I right now is that we talk daily, we're terribly close, and absolutely nothing is solid. We can't even manage to plan a visit with one another. If it goes on this way much longer, my patience will wear out, and we'll end up just as friends. Which will be fine, but which won't be what I want.